Guide To Testicular Cancer

Though generally rare, testicular cancer is dangerous, particularly among men aged 15 to 35. As a service, we are glad to provide this guide to testicular cancer for our male readers.

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• If you feel a hardended lump in your scrotum, you have cancer. You are going to die.

• Black men are four times more likely to develop testicular cancer than white men. And they have bigger penises.

• Contrary to popular belief, tight underwear does not cause testicular cancer. However, wearing tight underwear might.

• Perform a testicular self-exam monthly. As a reward, masturbate afterwards.

• Before visiting the doctor, tape your penis to your abdomen to make it easier for the doctor to examine your testicles.

• If you are circumsized, you can paint your penis like a helmeted soldier to serve as an icebreaker when you pull your pants down. If you are uncircumsized, paint it like an elephant's trunk. (Avoid making elephant-like sounds.)

• Heterosexual men should be examined by a male doctor. Homosexuals should find a female doctor. If you are a bisexual male, you will not be able to be examined or treated. You should have thought about that.

• While being examined, do everything you can to avoid an erection. No one will be impressed, and it's very distracting.

• To prepare for surgery, you'll need to shave your pubic hair. Fortunately, chicks dig smooth guys.

• If you have a testicle removed, you might as well just assume the nickname "Lopsided."