And You Think You're Old?
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
-----
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
-----
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She nodded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
-----
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half-blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But thankGod, I still have my Florida driver's license!
-----
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
-----
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
-----
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and makeher final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice aweek."
-----
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it -- so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's $50,000.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's go."
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
-----
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
-----
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She nodded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
-----
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half-blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But thankGod, I still have my Florida driver's license!
-----
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
-----
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
-----
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and makeher final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice aweek."
-----
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it -- so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's $50,000.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's go."
posted by Eric at 2:17 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home